[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted