[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
You Might Also Like
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …