In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
scrabbled eggs
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help