Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
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Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
it was a valiant fight
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Tell me you get it…🤣
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Good advice.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss