They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die