@slimmy_shady: In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him"Hi, how are you"? "Sorry I don't speak Chinese" Great. I've raised a douche!
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@brianbowman73: Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It's for birth control. Me: I didn't even know an arm could get pregnant.
@joejwest: [roulette] ME: [slaps table] 50 on red CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
@shutupmikeginn: Internet Explorer: so about last night Me: Oh, i used you for flash. IE: Are we back together, am i your default? Me: don't make this weird
@TheAlexNevil: Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems--what are you doing?! Me (giving him the finger): Wait--you can see me?