Chicago sounds lovely.
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Am I having a stroke?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
how to have an accident 101
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now