The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
my retirement plan is braless
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.