[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.