[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.