@jewfacekilla: In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
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@Fred_Delicious: "son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?" "dad, don't you mean Nam?" "sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence"
@LemmingDad: Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
@marknorm: When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
@Gre_Gone: [Clinic waiting room] Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??! Nurse: Sir don't shout that! Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?