@jewfacekilla: In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too.
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@shegotagronk: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 53 times a day, you're an Instagram filter.
@beefman138: 3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen? Me : Sorry, darling. We can't watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
@BDGarp: Me: Have fun on your date. Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high? Me: You really aren't my kid are you?