[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter