It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Holy moly
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Do not steal food from the science building!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.