In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I did not eat the cake…
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
what day is it?