@GuyThe_Guy: In Maryland we can't legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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@AaronFullerton: I bet the frankincense guy was all like, "Let's put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us."
@panmidwest: CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5's and a 10? ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote 'never change' in my high school yearbook] no
@titusbb: I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.
@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: "Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days" "Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"