In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
this will hang in the louvre one day
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.