In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I’M CRYINGGG
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.