In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
how to have an accident 101
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16