In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Single and childfree like Jesus
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever