[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.