Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball