13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Leonardo DiCaprisun