I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.