@itsmovies: In movies when people go underwater, I like to hold my breath and see if I would survive in that situation. I died in Finding Nemo.
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@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: *shoots me with gun* *stuffs gun in my pocket* *runs away* Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide* *keeping an eye on him*
@notacroc: DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*