In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Animal poetry
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Doggies just call it style.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or