@TheWoodenslurpy: In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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@Mikecanrant: 1) Print out all your favstar trophies and fold them so they are 2D 2) Put them on your mantle 3) Invite dad over 4) Become favorite son
@ashleyaustrew: 4: "Mom, I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time."
@Jaysmemoir: My 6yo's homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
@AaronFullerton: "Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."