@TheWoodenslurpy: In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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@CrackYouWhip: I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
@Home_Halfway: The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. *a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
@AGStr8upNinja: If only people were named after their tattoo's. This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.