When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You Might Also Like
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
road rage
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Good morning
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.