I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.