I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
another case of gang violins
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.