If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
j o i m p
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
And bowling should be called pinball
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.