In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My blood type is coffee.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
at ease…shoulder.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”