In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My patronus is a cheeseburger
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Before & after 😅
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.