In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…