I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
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I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.