me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”