@English_Muffin: In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
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@ScobeyWanKenobi: Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn't even know you could live in pizza places. I'm in love!
@boring_as_heck: "hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars." idiot flintstones. no wonder you're extinct.
@TheMichaelRock: The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse