Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it