@TotesInapropro_: In my defense, your baby was crying before I dropped it.
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@joeljeffrey: [buying treadmill] Me: Can I try it out first? Salesperson: Sure Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
@topaz_kell: Health Tip: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
@Midlifecrisis18: Sex in your 40's: (Position change) * CRRRACK * Her: Was that me or you? Me: Just go with it, we'll assess injuries later.
@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.