My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!