shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows