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@jake_lach: In my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time.
@tsm560: *thinks happy thoughts*
*throws pixie dust in your eyes*
*flies off with all your money*
@Adar79Angie: Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby."
Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa."
Person: "Awe, what's his name?"
@SufficientCharm: Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It's photoshopped.
@kumailn: "My advice to you: subtlety." - The Joker, to Trump