In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
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I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Easy enough.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
very niche meme I made
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it