@SuperApple8: In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.
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@david8hughes: [knock at door] Cop: open up, it's the police Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I'm not here Cop: are you in Estonia? Me: I am. I'm in Estonia
@cat_fvr: *sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
@iwearaonesie: wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can't see him 9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles* me *hits him in the face with the door*
@pintofdraft: I'm quitting the blueberry only diet. I haven't lost a pound and I'm getting tired of blueberry pancakes, muffins and poptarts every meal.