In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
my dad has had enough
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married