In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.