In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If only.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.