In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me