In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
bought wrong eggs
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something