In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Many hands make light work
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
💯😂
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines