Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
But that’s none of my business
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
there’s probably a fee though
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then