In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Whisper out to librarians!
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”