In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁