@Mikecanrant: In my most recent study, Ive found that saying "I'll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot" to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
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@juliussharpe: Management tip - only hire bald guys. They don't have anything going on besides work.
@behindyourback: If Jesus loves me how come he's never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
@realHamOnWry: I slept through my girlfriend's alarm this morning and hit the ground running after her husband threw me out the window.