Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.