[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
one of
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.