In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
What even happened today?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”