@ArfMeasures: [My son's 1st day of school] ME [in tears] it's just gone way too fast TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

@ehchinoo: Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

@E_lok44: "Be a deer, would ya" she says, mounting your head on the wall.

@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.