In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You Might Also Like
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.