@AlexRogaski: [God making African animals] Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

@Dishy2101: Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

@BlindChow: "Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN

@Cali_Kid_Mike: What's the downside of house arrest?

@kelkulus: Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie