In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!