My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Good morning
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy