@marebytes: In my opinion - until they add extra fries, a martini & a joint - they have no business calling it a Happy Meal
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@withanewname: "Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me." [whole room] "AFTER ME" "Ok fellas, lets start here"
@jergarl: Ambien: Where is your unicorn? Me: I don't have a unicorn. A: You better get naked and go into that Arby's and look for it anyway. M: Ok.
@mynameisntdave: People who carry their dogs around, You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It's like one of the top known things about dogs
@Sarcasticsapien: This world would be a much better place if some people's mothers would've just had a headache.